Madness - 1

He lay without motion, his eyes staring at the empty space ahead. The wind howled, the windows clattered. A paper under his arm flapped vigorously trying to fly out. On it was a story that was struggling to be told ...
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I was past impatient and reaching levels of extreme irritability. What started of as a beautiful friday was now slowly in my mind, turning into a gloomy sunday evening. The status screen read

IC634 Chennai 16:45 20:45 Delayed.

Already four hours behind schedule. It was going to be a long night !
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Vizag's airport was newly built yet it radiated most of the old. Shiny locks adorned the colorful suitcases of passengers, just like necklaces did women; then there were the 101 teary relatives who seemed to cry and smile at the same time; the yawning guard who with extreme non-chalance kept the barrel of his rifle pointing at his own face; And of course the new white floor and wall tiles that exhibited the famous irreproducible patterns of maroon and brown, giving the casual observer an indication of the spitting force and chemical breakdown of the nation's favorite condiment.

I was hungry. There was no sign of the promised free meal or any of airline staff who made that promise. My stomach was rumbling, my head seemed to be exploding ....

Then she came ... with those large expressive eyes , with a small sticker pottu that seemed to have been etched out of her forehead, with a face that expressed a thousand emotions .....It felt like a wave of fresh rain on a humid day.

The negative train that ran circles in my head, changed track!

The first time she saw me, I was staring. It was an awkward moment and I felt like one of those dozen cheapos in Elliots beach who had nothing better to do than ogle at the ladies. Our eyes met again ... this time she was staring too. I felt naked. Darn I thought ... should have bought that newspaper after all ...

I cudn't help but look at her again. She was approaching me now .. Oh god! Was she going to create a scene now?

"Excuse me! "
uhmm.. yes ...
"If ur not too busy ... could you help me find my bag"

Ahaa.. her bag was missing... whew!
NICE!

She din't have to say a thing more, I was already up looking for them... with her tagging behind me answering all my sherlock style (read dumb ass) questions...

the bag was ultimately found ... my imaginary conversations turned into a real one and a pair of ears began listening to my ordeal.

"What time you think you will get home?" ... she asked
Well lets see here. For every half hour since 4 pm they have been delaying my flight for an hour..... I think this will have to be home.

Just then, came the announcement

Passengers travelling to Chennai via Indian Flight IC634, your flight has been canceled. We regret the inconvenience caused.

The next flight out was early the next day. I swore.

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I still don't know if she really meant it or if she asked me as a formality but I quickly accepted the offer to stay the night at her place. I was attracted to her. She was classy and I seemed to have gotten comfy with her. She wasn't one of those hot babes nor one of those face that could kill million types that I typically drooled over yet there was something about her ... .For a totally rational guy like me, love at first sight was more of a case of bad hormones.. but those science classes started to get fuzzy as we walked out for dinner. We talked, finished dinner, talked, walked home, talked and talked and kept talking... even the street dogs seemed to call it a night.

She seemed happy. I was on cloud number nine.
Then the sine wave began its free fall.

"I am not feeling too well "
What's wrong ?
"My stomach's hurting real bad ... "
Uh oh !

It must have been the mushrooms she ordered because she started puking them and in half hour was exhibiting classic signs of food poisoning( more and more puke ). At the hospital the on duty doc said stuff like "Low pulse ..oxygen, syringe, emergency room" ...

My ears saw things .... my eyes heard things....

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The color was back on her face.

It was about 4 am. We got back to her place. There she was, a complete unknown I had just met and yet felt a strange and strong connection for. My eyes hurt yet i couldn't close them, i kept worrying about her ... I sat by her bedside keeping tabs.

She woke up.

Are you feeling better now?
She nodded weakly. "Were you awake all night. Didn't you sleep? Did you miss your flight?"
I held her hand ...Im sorry.. this wouldn't have happened if i hadn't shown up .. i mean the dinner thing.. the emergency .. i feel bad.
She looked at me, her eyes moist, her voice deep ... "Thank you for being here"
I couldn't catch my flight, I dint feel like leaving your side
She held my hand tighter "Ill be ok."
No you dont understand ... I dont feel like leaving your side .. ever

It just came out.

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(To be continued .. )

Free Will excerpts - I

(She takes her phone out excitedly and speed dials)
> Hello ... i just got out (catches her breath) ... it went sooo well..
>> waait ... what are you talking about??
> My interview today ... you forgot about it did you ?
>> oh yeah .. i mean no i dint forget abt it .... you aced it ... awesome ..tell me all about it..
> ennoda interview marundhatey illey .. so ippo naan solla pora kadhaium marandhudu... (u forgot my interview .. so now forget what i'm about to tell you as well)
(he laughs)
.....

He hangs up ... then looks outside his window..
He had forgotten.. he always did ... now she was going away ....
He then remembered ... he had put sandhya on hold to take this call ..

Damn ..

She had disconnected .. he took a deep breath and redialled

> Sorry love.. it was ...
>> Was her wasn't it . what did she want?
> She just finished her interview and was telling me abt it..
>> Yeah and I was talking to you about something important as well until u decided to put me on hold ...
> She doesnt call me too often.. i thot it was important.. besides she is going away...
>> You just haven't figured out your priorities yet .. remember when we ...

As sandhya spoke .. he looked outside his window again ... there she was ....
Seemed like she was standing there calling out for him just like she used to ....
he now remembered ... he remembered everything about her ....
he suddenly missed her in ways he could not imagine ...

Free will is a paradox

Man is the most blessed of all living things on this planet for he has the ability to think and put his thoughts into action. He has the ability to choose ... right or wrong .. truth or lies .. fact or fiction...

But this profound feeling of free will is a paradox hidden within abstractions of space, time, knowledge ...

You are living in a free country but you must follow the laws of the land ...
You are free to choose .... but you are not free to decide or observe the consequences of your choice ....
You have this second to make a move, but that second speeds past and is no longer there as you assimilate that fact ....

Free will in its current form is about joining the system, adhering to it ..... it is a hallucination.. one that is required to sustain oneself .... the wars of the world are about people who are chasing this dream called free will ...

Kadhaigal .... kanavugal ... welcome to my blog !
I am writing after years .. would love any comments and feedback.

Best,
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Religiously holding on

We are a nation of a billion people, spiritually forward (debatable), technologically catching up and religiously glued.

People of the world in the vast majority believe in the power above. Me too. But lakhs of us thronging temples far away, spending many hours in front of a deity, etc have made some (many) of us weak. Weak as a person. Weak as a world contributor.

The question is : Are we believing too much in god than in our own abilities? Are we overdoing our prayers?

Down in the dumps !

The first week's been bad.

Its a drain on certain vital emotions when your career seems to drive ur life, to decide where you have to be and what you need to do.